Stocks to go Haywire

The Stock Market on Monday will probably cause some window jumping. It may also cause some unwarranted business mergers:

FedEx is expected to join up with its major competitor UPS and become FedUP

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women will become Knott NOW

3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood

and finally

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Mountain Dew and Dakota Minnng will merge and become ZipAudiDewDa

Or at least that's what my Old Farmer's 2008 Almanac says.

Seriously though, after tomorrow I'll probably be working for Pizza Hut (NPC) part of Bank of America.

Update from NPC CEO: Since May 2006, we have been owned by Merrill Lynch Global Private Equity - a very small arm of Merrill Lynch & Co. Our business is not ran by ML&Co, nor is dependent upon its success. We are separately capitalized and not in any way directly affected by the happenings of ML&Co, including this pending sale to Bank of America.

Installing a husband-sent by Deb

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother- I n-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support